Page - 49 - in Mobile Culture Studies - The Journal, Volume 4/2018

Mobile Culture Studies. The Journal 4 2o18 Tuulikki Kurki | Border Crossing Trauma 49 and which an illusion. The situation also makes him doubt that he exists any longer: “I know well this state of mind when I am not sure of my existence, it feels like the old lady in the mirror is livelier than me, or do I see myself in her figure – my loneliness, my redundancy, and my immeasurable age [...].” (Perttu 2001, 30). As the disintegration proceeds, Pauli enters into surreal spaces. Especially, he finds himself in a claustrophobic, dark and dirty staircase, with no exit doors, and the staircase continues deeper and deeper underground. He is scared, but continues to descend. On one of the land- ings, he meets himself as a Fool who is trying to get upwards towards the surface. “I am not listening to the end, I don’t answer, I rush down, leaping over several steps with one stride. [...]. But when the first floor is over, the stairs do not end and there is no exit. One staircase after the other follows, and I descend deeper and deeper. On one of the landings, I meet Fool. [...] I knew that Fool had already been there for long time trying to ascend these dark and dirty steps. [...] Ominous shades were haunting the darkness, but a faint beam of light came down somewhere from above. He was not scared of the future but of the past.” (Perttu 2001, 201.) Finally, Pauli enters a corridor that symbols the transition from the Soviet past to the unknown future. The underground corridor is about to collapse, and it is dark. People run within it, but one must not fall, because they will be trampled to death by the others. The past appears as a black chasm at the back of the corridor, and the future glimmers faintly at the front, appearing as a “ghostly memory” of the light. Pauli is scared and horrified, but the dream of a better life pushes him forward. (Perttu 2001, 217.) “An endless, narrowing corridor, black holes in its walls are entrances to other worlds, but Fool is afraid to approach them even though he knows that there is the light. Sunlight comes through the tiny holes, but can you be sure that the light is not only neon light?” (Perttu 2001, 217–218.) The metaphors of the broken mirror and the claustrophobic corridor reflect the border cross- er’s experience within time and space, where the relationship between past, present and fu- ture becomes problematic and ambivalent. The surrounding world has also become difficult to perceive and comprehend. Crossing the symbolic border detaches Pauli from the familiarities of coherent time and place. On the one hand, the past represents something frightening and strange that Pauli wishes to leave behind, yet on the other, the chaotic present makes Pauli feel nostalgic towards the past, because it, nevertheless, represented a time when the worldviews and identities were able to be formed as coherent entities. The relationship with the future is also problematic. Pauli’s future plans were based on the promises that Soviet socialism promised for all Soviet citizens. However, the promises were never fulfilled. Therefore, Pauli moves in a paradoxical reality of time and place: it is after the future that never came true (Epstein 1995, 72–73). The experienced time, “after the future” (Epstein 1995) is a shared experience with other Soviet citizens who experienced the collapse of the Soviet Union. The events leave Pauli without a clear idea about where he comes from and where he is heading to. At the same time, a coherent narrative chain from the past to the future is broken. In effect, there is no structured world or narrative that could function as a basis for