Seite - 136 - in Psychoanalytic Perspectives on Puberty and Adolescence - The Inner Worlds of Teenagers and their Parents

136 The search for the self – identity have a boyfriend . . . it would be so nice with Tim now, the sun is shining, we could go for a walk or play tennis or tetherball. Oh, I miss him so much, dear God will you finally help me? I feel so abandoned, really lonely. The only thing to provide some variety is my diary. When I write, I feel better. But I can’t keep writing my diary until the end of life. Why does my young life have to be so meaningless and sad? . . . (Lari, quoted in Erhard 1998, 110) The diary is her closest friend; she can tell it anything. Her mood changes and she begins to feel more adult and independent: I don’t know why, but I feel so excessively happy, even though there was nothing out of the ordinary either yesterday or today to make me feel so much better. Oh well, I’m glad anyway that I feel good after such a long time . . . and I notice that I’m gradually becoming an adult. That might sound stupid, but it’s true somehow. I’m beginning to develop my own personality, the one I always had inside, but never showed. I was always dependent on everyone else, and I’m trying (and even succeeding) to change that. (Lari, quoted in Erhard 1998, 111) Lari sounds much more optimistic than in the last 20 entries; here, she is once again beginning a new volume – like the beginning of a new life. She notices her own change and is proud of it. She sees that she is gradually becoming more adult. Bernfeld speaks of the “narcissistic love towards the own ego” as a basis for self -respect. Lari is also becoming more confident in her ability to meet academic challenges and pass her final exams. In the next entries, she notices that she is becoming “slowly more mature”. Three months later, she describes her longing to be alone: Oh God, I’m in a strange phase again: I want more than anything to be alone, without anyone at all. That has nothing at all to do with other people, but only with me; I don’t need anyone, right now I want to go alone through the world like in earlier times and ignore everyone no matter whether I know them or not. I’d be incredibly interested what the reason for all this is. I thought of one explanation today: I was always a “papa -child” and I miss him unconsciously a lot, since he was always my papa and role model. You could say that I always really idolized him, and of course this feeling is still there. As terrible as it might sound, Peter is really a “substitute” for my daddy. I noticed this yesterday when I held Peter so tightly. In my thoughts it was papa I was hold- ing so tightly so that he wouldn’t go away again – even when I tell Peter how much I like him, it isn’t really so . . . But I don’t let anyone notice and “spoil” Peter just as always, although I actually don’t want to. As I mentioned, I’d most like to be alone; go for walks alone; go shopping alone; eat alone; watch TV alone; listen to music alone; enjoy life alone. What’s going on with me?