Page - 24 - in Psychoanalytic Perspectives on Puberty and Adolescence - The Inner Worlds of Teenagers and their Parents

24 Psychosexual development in puberty revolting, and it requires the full dose of sexual desire to overcome this feeling of disgust. A 14 -year -old girl, whom I will call Beate, describes her thoughts and images of kissing. She describes her first examination at the gynecologist’s, and then proceeds directly to the kiss: At the gynecologist’s, I got an ultrasound exam. He put in a huge rod. My mother was more nervous than I was – I said I’d just do it. It wasn’t bad, I didn’t feel anything. “That’s how it is when you sleep with somebody”, said my mother. I hadn’t wanted to know. I want to have my first sex when I’m eighteen or nineteen. I haven’t yet had a tongue kiss – with spit. For me, that’s gross. But it will happen sometime. I’m only fourteen. Beate’s mother accompanied her to the gynecologist as a preparation for the time when Beate should experience sexual contact and already know the doctor: she can then pose her questions to him more comfortably. The questions regarding gynecological examinations, sexual union and the (“gross”) first tongue kiss arise in close proximity to each other. Beate emphasizes that she has no desire to know about sexual intercourse, but she shows how intensely she has considered all of these questions. She is far from the idea that a kiss can be pleasurable, and she cannot access her memory of pleasurable nursing as a baby. All of these associa- tions remain unconscious, yet have an effect on Beate – evoking both fear and longing. The adolescent’s wish to cuddle with his mother like a baby stands in crass contradiction to the parallel wish to become an adult and assume physical distance from her. A young teenager now does not wish to take leave of his mother with a kiss on the cheek in front of the rest of the class. These contrary wishes alternate with each other and cannot be predicted by the parents, since they alternate so abruptly. Here is a scene with 14 -year -old Sebastian: The evening before, Sebastian went out with his friends and only returned home at a late hour. His parents are having breakfast at 10:00 am on Saturday. Around 11:30 am, Sebastian’s mother goes up to his room to wake him up. Ten minutes later, Sebastian comes downstairs sleepily, stopping midway down and remark- ing, with his mouth turned down at the corners, “You can’t wake me up that way”. His mother, shocked, asks him in a friendly voice: “What did I do, sweetie?”, then stands up and puts her arm around his shoulders. Sebastian: You open up the door and say (imitating her militaristic tone): “Eleven thirty! Get up!” No kiss, no hug, nothing. (He is fighting back tears.) Mother: Oh, Sebastian, I’m so sorry. (She then hugs and kisses him, which he enjoys; then he goes with her to his place they set at the table.) The mother is visibly surprised that her son – 1 meter 72 cm and quite independent – desires this childish ritual of awakening, although the day before he energetically warded off any influence and control from his parents. He often emphasizes that he can