Page - 80 - in Psychoanalytic Perspectives on Puberty and Adolescence - The Inner Worlds of Teenagers and their Parents

80 Psychosexual development in puberty Often, however, desperation and thoughts of suicide break through, as in the following incident. James had just left the classroom: James sat alone on the steps, looking completely defeated. I made a sign for him to follow me and we both sat down. He looked first at me and then at the ground. “How are you, James?” I asked. He shrugged his shoulders and said “Not good . . .” “Why do you feel bad?” I said gently. “Nothing means anything. I want everything to end. I don’t want to be here anymore. Then everything would end.” He shook his head. After a short pause, during which I considered how I should react, I asked: “Are you sure? How do you know whether it would be better over there, that everything’s at an end?” I tried to keep my voice calm. “Maybe it’s worse over there.” James looked at me, unconvinced. “As long as you are here, you can change things and control them. Maybe only a little. We don’t know any- thing about how it is over there. But we know what we can expect here.” In this moment, the door opened and a teacher entered, asking something about the skiing course. Discussion H. has often heard from James’ mother that he threatened to kill himself if he were placed in a psychiatric ward again. Yet hearing his desperation face to face conveys a different level of urgency. In supervision, we had already spoken of how impor- tant it is not to gloss over talk of suicide but to take it seriously. It is important to vehemently counter the common idealization of death as a calm, peaceful locus of redemption. There is nothing after death – not even the observation of how sad the survivors will be and what they will say about the suicide candidate: everything is truly over. But as long as an adolescent is alive, he can change himself along with some aspects of the world around him. In fact, James looks unconvinced when H. does not share his view that suicide can compensate for everything. Her confident attitude shows James how important it is for H. (as well as for his mother and stepfather) that he lives. She wants him to continue trying in this world even if it is wearying and strenuous for everyone concerned. Perhaps a side factor here is that James believes he is a burden to everyone, and that they would be glad if he were no longer there. Although H. sounds so calm and tries to keep her voice gentle yet determined, the encounter deeply disturbs her, and she worries whether it will be indeed possible to keep James from his suicidal aspirations. James’ development can be compared to a rising vector – albeit with dips and setbacks. When James feels overwhelmed by inner images, he takes his ear- phones and listens to music – something only he is allowed to do in class. When James exhibits the behavior of a typical adolescent – rebellious and provoca- tive – a psychoanalyst would observe this as significant progress: he is showing that he is stable enough inside to test the teacher’s authority. But for his teach- ers, who have afforded James a special position through the last three years, exercised great patience and challenged him academically (James has always