Page - 89 - in Psychoanalytic Perspectives on Puberty and Adolescence - The Inner Worlds of Teenagers and their Parents

Development of feeling 89 this reaction, however, lies the insecurity and panic of failure and abandonment often felt by teenagers. Rosalin is the youngest of four children, and the other three are considerably older than she. She had the role of the spoiled baby, who received attention due to her pretty appearance and friendly manner. Psychically, she lived more through her sister with whom she identified, in this way avoiding getting in touch with her feelings of jealousy, envy and frustration. By now choosing a circle of friends whose values were diametrically opposed to her family’s, she demonstrated her contempt and dismissal of her family’s values. Rosalin had played a parasitic role as spoiled baby. However, within her peer group of these down -and -out adoles- cents, she also played a special role: she was from a solidly middle -class back- ground and had a large allowance: thus, she was a giver. It is important that Rosalin’s parents set clear limits to her contact with this gang. They must expect heated arguments. If they help Rosalin to address these conflicts openly, she can then show her anger and nastiness without losing her par- ents’ basic acceptance. If her parents are capable of hearing out her (often unfair) accusations without feeling hurt, they will recognize that Rosalin is attempting to convince herself and them that they mistreat her, as well as distracting her- self from the real issue of her perceived abandonment and loneliness. For Rosa- lin’s sense of self -worth, it is important that she resume studying in order to pass her exam, which would enable her to learn a profession. Can her parents convey their confidence to Rosalin, believing in her capability of finding her own way? It would be most unfavorable if parents break off contact to their son or daughter due to a deep feeling of hurt. This would drive the adolescent further into drop -out society, making a return to normal society more difficult. 3.1 Problems for parents of children growing into puberty He’s happy he’s young. I was young too once Maybe younger than him. —Karl Valentin Karl Valentin’s aphorism shows how difficult it is to see one’s children become adults: it refers to the type of father who is not only superior and more competent, but even wants to be younger than his son. Even though Valentin extends this rubric ad absurdum, he perceptively captures the parents’ basic attitude. Initiated by the younger generation and tolerated by the parents, a radical, mostly unin- tended and often painful reversal or new orientation occurs during adolescence. The same parents whom the child previously admired and wished to emulate now are criticized, provoked and devalued – not as a planned strategy but as some- thing that seems to happen by itself. The paradox is that this emotionally fraught