Page - 92 - in Psychoanalytic Perspectives on Puberty and Adolescence - The Inner Worlds of Teenagers and their Parents

92 Development of feeling to steal. Paul was particularly enraged when Christine ran through the apartment with little clothing on. She reported that he told her: “We will have to throw you out if you go on this way.” In conversation with the therapist, Christine contended that she had no prob- lems, but that the mother was jealous of her attractive body; she didn’t understand why the two of them were so upset (Waddell 2002, 155). Christine and her mother had had a very close relationship, and Christine felt she was driven out of this relationship by Paul. Her stealing – a common occurrence in puberty – shortly after Paul moved in presumably signified that she could take back something that had been taken from her. She stole her mother’s wedding ring and grandmother’s jewelry. Instead of envying her mother, she projected her envy onto her. Paul let himself be provoked by Christine; perhaps he was also excited by her body, needed to block this feeling and became irritated. He threatened to throw his step- daughter out of the apartment. How can the same situation – making in one case for an amusing scene, resolved through humor – constitute a threat to the family? As opposed to Christine and her mother, who were abandoned by the father at an early stage, Betty had spent ten years in a “good enough” family with an affectionate father and a mother who allowed this closeness between father and daughter. Her rivalry to her mother was ameliorated by their loving relationship. Betty at first also looked askance at her mother’s new partner, but gradually he was able to win over Betty and her sister through friendly attention. Soon, the whole family saw him as a enrichment. Betty’s new stepfather also had three grown children of his own and did not feel threatened by Betty’s “seduction”, but instead rather flattered. Parents – but also teachers and other pedagogues – have difficulty admitting their envious feelings, linked to grief at the passing of youth and their youth- ful bodies. This emotional burden often leads to action on the parents’ part, for instance, when a father gets a new lover (often his daughter’s age) in order to prove that he is still attractive and potent. Or the mother can launch into a pas- sionate relationship with a youthful lover. Or parents (self -)consciously behave as youthfully in their language and clothing as their children do. Parents then might become ashamed of these impulses or repress them behind vehement attacks and moral judgments – children are criticized for their inap- propriate clothing, extravagant haircuts or provocative behavior. To an extent, such criticisms can be justified – and to an extent they originate from unconscious envious reactions. It is helpful when parents can talk together about their ambiva- lent feelings, understand each other and support one another. Sometimes, parents manage to undertake activities together in the phase where the children are exiting the family – activities they previously could not find time for during child -rearing: dancing, mountain climbing, travelling to foreign countries and sports. 3.2 Adolescent perspectives Let us first illuminate the complex relationship between parents and children from the adolescent perspective.