Page - 93 - in Psychoanalytic Perspectives on Puberty and Adolescence - The Inner Worlds of Teenagers and their Parents

Development of feeling 93 When Sebastian was asked, “When did you first notice you were in puberty?” he answered as if shot from a pistol: “Your parents begin to get on your nerves!” He does not consider himself difficult; instead, his parents get on his nerves with their demands that he fulfill his household chores. As in early childhood, the adolescent sees himself as the center of the world: the small child’s egocentric- ity celebrates a comeback. The revived Oedipal desires – just as in the first three months of life – are experienced in an abrupt shift from feelings of solitude to solace and protection. Sebastian is unable to reflect on his actions; he perceives his parents’ reaction to his rebellious behavior as unjust and irritating. He goes on to describe his unwilling participation in those household chores where his parents insist he does his share. Sebastian speaks of his father with great respect, and he is glad they used to do so many activities together with the rest of the family. At the same time, he describes how much has changed in the last two years: I’m more interested in girls now, I look at them. . . . I meet up more with my friends, we meet in the evening and go to the movies, for instance. There are four or five of them I know from school or from sports camp. Some of them have ideas and there are others who come along. We don’t fight often. Although Sebastian realizes that he spends a lot of time going out with his friends, he still regrets that the family so seldom does things together anymore. In order to understand this reaction, it is important to take into consideration that the child or patient always experiences (from the childlike perspective) sepa- ration from the father or mother – or, in analysis, cancellation of a session – as abandonment by the adult. Even when the adolescent (or patient) knows on an adult level that he was out with his friends (or that a patient cancelled his session), he emotionally holds the adult responsible and feels snubbed. Many parents hear from their adolescent children: “You are never here!” or “You never have time for me!”. Parents often find themselves in the position of comparing such complaints with the reality that although they wanted to do things with their child, he neither made time nor showed interest. As soon as the adolescent has distanced himself from his parents, a psychic space opens where the first feelings and experiences of love occur. Sebastian (13) reports on his first “real” love, Iris: Interviewer: What’s the first “real” love like? Sebastian: A feeling that I can’t describe too well, because it’s connected to differ- ent things. I can’t move, my heart and my pulse beat 1000 . . . I: What was the first kiss like? S: She took me to the movies, Bridesmaids, and both our friends came, too. There were four of us. During the film she wrote me a text message: “Are you still in love with me?” She showed it to me. I answered on my phone: “Yes!” She wrote: “Maybe I’m also still in love with you!” I wrote: “You should have waited with ending it.” She read it and wrote: “I never should have ended it.”