Page - 94 - in Psychoanalytic Perspectives on Puberty and Adolescence - The Inner Worlds of Teenagers and their Parents

94 Development of feeling A few minutes later she wrote: “And what now?” I wrote: “This here!” and I kissed her on the mouth. She was surprised and happy. Both adolescents are torn between their surging feelings and fear of the unknown. As soon as they meet, Iris wants to break up again – not because she dislikes him, but because she likes him so much. But her intense feelings give her no peace – she needs to know whether he is still in love with her. He explains how he feels and surprises not only her but probably himself with a passionate kiss on her mouth. The distancing achieved through communication via cell phone seems to diminish their fear. Although they are sitting next to each other, they use the cover of darkness for their first kiss. The longing and fear of being torn between new and unfamiliar impulses are shown in their further communications. At midnight the next day, Iris writes Sebastian: Do you know how it is when the most important person isn’t there? You know, it’s as if a part of me isn’t there. The way you held my hand, I felt sooo good, your kiss made an eternal wish of mine come true and I love you more than anything (smiley). I want to never lose you (heart). When you smiled at me, I knew – you’re the one, I want to be with you forever. (heart with two sad smileys, two stars as kisses) It is difficult for adults to comprehend the surge and intensity of these hitherto unknown feelings (although they may be recollections of the surging, intense feeling of the first love pair: mother and baby). The deeply suppressed “emo- tional recollections” from the first years of life now come to the surface. The first kiss evokes the blessed, pleasurable memory of oral satisfaction at the mother’s breast – suppressed, but operative. After the painful separation of weaning, this romantic love in adolescence is perceived as eternal. Adolescent lovers experi- ence the total body sensation of pleasure and solace as a union of two souls: for Iris, a part of her is missing when Sebastian is absent. In the first phase of being in love for 13 - to 15 -year -olds, a third person often plays a role – a rival, another girl or the previous boyfriend. In Sebastian’s case, the previous boyfriend writes on Facebook: “Treat her well, she’s something special.” Sebastian answers: “She’s not only something special, but the best in the world.” It is not difficult to recognize here the early pattern of the “paranoid -schizoid posi- tion” (as Melanie Klein terms it), the archaic form of splitting into good, idealized and bad worlds. Just as the mother – or her satisfying breast – was the best mother in the world, Iris is also ideal. This babylike quality is also evident in everyday life: when Sebastian finds nothing to interest him after breakfast on vacation, he simply goes back to bed, sleeping or watching TV.