Page - 103 - in Psychoanalytic Perspectives on Puberty and Adolescence - The Inner Worlds of Teenagers and their Parents

Development of feeling 103 Eight days later, she says: On Wednesday, Nico broke up with me. He came to my house and said he wants to end the relationship. He doesn’t have so much time, he wants to put his energy into sports. I was very sad and cried a lot. I asked him whether we can stay friends, but he said no. That was very sad . . . Lucy’s spontaneous narrative conveys better than any theoretical description the longing and vicissitudes of early relationships. So many things are simultaneously at stake: testing one’s own attractiveness, answering the worried question: will a boy ever love me, can I like anyone so much? How can I harmonize fear and desire? Lucy and Nico seem to have similar fears and longings, which has led them to a careful intimacy. They send so many text messages because this replaces per- sonal (if cautious) meetings. Perception of the partner’s attractiveness is strongly dependent upon the peer group. A true kind of intimacy is only created when Lucy decides not to share details of the relationship with her friends, instead keeping them to herself. But quickly – within ten days – fears seem to have gained the upper hand, and Nico decides to dedicate himself to sports and Lucy to her aca- demic studies. The psychic pain of abandonment is often not so easy to perceive. The day after they break up, Lucy goes shopping with her friend to distract herself, and the day after that with her family to the musical Singing in the Rain, where she seems cheerful. However, we should not mistakenly believe her pain and offense are superficial: earlier painful experiences of separation are activated here. It is important that Lucy’s parents allow her to make mistakes, affording her the possibility to try out relationships and make her own experiences. Lucy must investigate her own mixed feelings – she herself does not know why she expe- riences such mood swings. Her “best friend”, who comes up often in Lucy’s narrative, is understood by the psychoanalytic view as standing for her mother, someone of her own age she can turn to. Discussing experiences is akin to extend- ing them – and vicariously satisfying the wish to try things out through discussing one another’s experiences. Parents need great tolerance in order to allow their children to make mistakes. A sentence children often use as a kind of battle cry with parents is: “Let me make my own mistakes!” Letting a son or daughter learn from experience often means looking on as he or she gathers painful experiences. Sometimes, parents suffer more than the adolescent, and it constitutes a major achievement for them to allow their child to learn from the con- sequences of their actions, without punishment or reproach. Here is one example from Lucy’s story. Her parents wish to discourage alcohol consumption, and they give their children only alcohol -free drinks. As follows, Lucy tells of her first big school dance. My first dance – a catastrophe “Actually, I didn’t want it, I just wanted to try it out. Actually everything went so fast that I didn’t notice anything. I got drunk so quickly. It was only twice