Page - 106 - in Psychoanalytic Perspectives on Puberty and Adolescence - The Inner Worlds of Teenagers and their Parents

106 Development of feeling twice mentioned his attraction to Lari, who is in his class at school. Here are some excerpts: Then December 18th! No Saturday is like another. A party with close friends always has a certain beguiling aftertaste. The supply of mulled wine was generous, and the con- sequences were predictable. Inhibitions are put aside. A new conversation. I don’t know what urged me to it. Probably it was the attempt in spite of every- thing to change something or finally get a clear answer. The entryway is dark and uninviting. We sit down on the steps and begin to talk. The attraction is tangible. A feeling of trust and affinity. Then the “why”? someone else, one of your best friends – ALEX. How can somebody love someone they don’t know? They simply can’t. Suddenly, unexpected guilt feelings towards me. She’s terribly sorry. She tries to console me. Then it happens. First, we embrace each other in our des- peration, then our noses rub gently and then, as in a dream, we open our lips and give the rein to our greedy tongues. The feeling of another person inside you is overwhelming. I can’t get enough of it. She keeps making me go along with it. In her soul, deep inside her heart she does love me. I have to give her time. Two hours full of tenderness, then the awakening. In front of the others, we act as if nothing has happened. Everything’s in the past, but the feeling of being so close to another person remains anchored in your memory. The ancient human instinct that already made other people feel this same feeling millions of years ago. Is it really so great? There is nothing more beautiful than the love between a man and a woman. Even when it’s not a happy love, there’s still the adventure, the challenge and the attempt to try it out and the certainty that next time it will be more than a small, insignificant dream set to burst like a soap bub- ble. One has to not lose hope, believe in oneself and remain the person one is. (Jan, as quoted in Erhard 1998, 87ff. Translation McQuade) Jan documents his (perhaps first) kiss – at first from a distance, describing a party he was at. There is alcohol there, which reduces inhibitions, including his. As if by chance, he encounters Lari in the dark entryway. From the beginning it is clear that his love is hopeless. And it is his friend, of all people, who has attracted Lari’s interest, although she does not know him closely yet. This makes Jan sad, and Lari attempts to console him. Perhaps the end of this uninitiated relation- ship between her and Alex supplies the catalyst for their two -hour -long kiss. Both know their encounter won’t continue, and perhaps this helps them overcome their anxiety. Jan does not know what made him do it; the newfangled erotic tensions and urgent hormones are surprising and unknown. He writes “then it happened”, which expresses that it was not a conscious act, but rather something in him led him to act, as in a dream, which we also cannot determine ourselves. He describes