Page - 108 - in Psychoanalytic Perspectives on Puberty and Adolescence - The Inner Worlds of Teenagers and their Parents

108 Development of feeling so loud etc.” and if he were in my shoes he would give Alex up. Then we were both sad. I was truly so dejected, because so far I’ve always been rejected but the ones who did it at least liked me, just not “in that way”. But Alex hates me. At first he just put his hand around me in the entryway, but later . . . It was so disgusting for me because he was so wild, he was so happy to do what he always wanted to and he drooled on me from top to bottom. I couldn’t say no. Jan kept saying that it was so beautiful although he can’t kiss at all, really disgusting! But what to do? I can kiss my Alex good- bye. I don’t understand it all. I did imagine Alex reacting this way, but I never thought it would actually happen. Jan wants to tell him about it too. I couldn’t care less, since I can’t become more insulted and sad than I am already. Why does Alex hate me so? I didn’t do anything to him – on the contrary, I love him sooo much in spite of everything. I was somehow con- vinced that this time something will come of it, since Alex never rejected me in public. I would like so much to talk to someone about it, but it would be so embarrassing. I think I’ll stop now because everything is for nothing, I’ll just stay alone, but what to do? I’ll just take care of Mama my whole life. I hate myself!!! I can’t stand it in this world, I think I won’t stay here much longer, I’m here in vain. Someone else can take the job of filling the intermissions or being the class clown. I can’t stand this shitful world much longer, that’s for sure. Either I’ll leave this country, or I’ll go to Grandpa and James Dean forever. I don’t want to live anymore. I’m fed up with only filling the intermissions. The one and only nice piece of news. – The whole experience was very beautiful. (Lari, 16 years old, as quoted in Erhard 1998, 93ff ) At the beginning and end of Lari’s diary entry, she describes how fun and beautiful the experience was. But in between, a desperate, dark mood prevails. The reader recognizes how much Lari contributes to her disappointments. She seems to conceal her true feelings behind the façade of a class clown. Presumably, nobody guesses how sad and dejected she is: apparently, she has nobody to talk with, be it friend, sister, mother or father. She also fails to see that Jan is jealous of Alex, and that his descriptions are necessarily colored by this jealousy: he has an interest in preventing Alex and Lari from coming together. Interestingly, Lari writes dismissively of their kissing, which she terms “dis- gusting” and “drooling” – yet she remained for two full hours with Jan in the entryway, meaning that her negative assessments probably came only in hind- sight. She is also certain that Alex “hates” her. Here, a strong tendency towards splitting is evident – Alex is either the adored, idealized fantasy lover or he rejects her entirely, in which case she wants only to die. She has no will to live. Interest- ingly, however, she has the idea of taking care of her mother her whole life long. Is this an indication of unconscious guilt feelings? Perhaps she would like to atone