Page - 109 - in Psychoanalytic Perspectives on Puberty and Adolescence - The Inner Worlds of Teenagers and their Parents

Development of feeling 109 for her fantasized attacks on her mother by taking care of her. Lari writes of the boys’ “putting moves” on her, but characterizes this as “fun”. Does she find it dif- ficult to admit her own erotic desires and pleasure? She is the one who follows Jan when he leaves the party. Her fantasized rejection by Alex may help her to carry out this “dangerous” relationship with Jan, which is also why she must denigrate his “drooling” over her. The “separation” or rejection by Alex only occurs in her fantasy – she loved him in her dreams, but apparently was hardly together with him in reality. In her fantasy, her adored one can completely belong to her, whereas reality stipu- lates only a terrible rejection. The conviction of being able to totally control the adored love object can lead to exorbitant jealousy when that person turns his attention to a real person. But for Lari, daydream and reality are in osmosis. Lari experiences her rage at Alex’s rejection – not as a murderous fantasy against the adored object, but against herself: she wishes to die, to join her idol James Dean in eternity, where she will presumably fulfill her secret wish to completely possess James Dean. Although she dramatizes her feelings in writing, she is able to confide her pain, unhappiness and death fantasies to her diary, putting them into words and thus attaining relief. The diary functions as a substitute for a friend and an incipient form of self -reflection. Taken together, the two diary entries do contradict each other considerably, although they describe similarly the basic party situation with its freely consumed alcohol. Lari and Jan diverge particularly in how they describe the long kiss – for Jan a supremely beautiful, shared experience, and for Lari something repellent that merely happened to her. A week later, Lari writes: By now, I’m very happy again. Jan gave me a Christmas present I loved: a photo of him and me. I look at the photo the whole time. (Right now it’s in front of me.) (Erhard 1998, 99) At home, Lari is the baby of the family, who likes to be funny, dance and do sports. From other diary entries, we see that often, it is more difficult for the youngest child to grow up. The fear of sexual union is strongly linked to unresolved childhood fantasies and desires that are experienced as real threats. Penetrating the vagina is then perceived through the fear of getting stuck or being destroyed in it, whereas the girl fears being damaged through penetration. Here an example from an autobiog- raphy, followed by a case study where therapy revealed unconscious connections. Sexual fear is often not conscious but is revealed in the shunning of close, intimate relationships. In his autobiography, John Cleese (the British actor from Monty Python and Fawlty Towers) writes of how he was so occupied with other