Page - 114 - in Psychoanalytic Perspectives on Puberty and Adolescence - The Inner Worlds of Teenagers and their Parents

114 Development of feeling Soul clap its hands and sing, and louder sing For every tatter in its mortal dress. (. . .) Although Yeats wrote this poem at the age of 51, he conveys the clash between youthful energy with its lusty songs and his self -image of the pitiable old man. Grief over unattainable youth and physical decay is juxtaposed with the poet’s narcissism, although youth share the fate of death with their elders. Can parents appreciate their capabilities and successes, their mastery of life, and grant their children their newly discovered love and pleasure? Another important question is whether parents are satisfied with their children’s development: does it follow their ideas, or are they disappointed that the children do not achieve what they want from them? Do undesirable traits in the children mirror things the parents wish not to see in themselves? Might the parents think their own inadequacies have led to this disappointing result? Has the child uncon- sciously been assigned the task of fulfilling unrealized wishes and hopes of his parents? If he instead turns to other activities, his parents might be deeply disap- pointed. It is difficult to admit the bitter thought: what did I do that one of my children does something like that? Adolescents may not only criticize their parents’ marriage but actually test it, while closely observing their reactions, seeking to find out whether this form of marital relationship should be a model for them. Do they wish to have the kind of relationship or marriage their parents do? Can their parents use their newly found space for activities together or does each of them go their own way? How much autonomy do the parents grant one another? Are they interested in one another and in their thoughts? Although in many marriages, love is affectionate and tender, with calm, trusting sexuality, many marriages are dominated implicitly or explic- itly by the failure and frustration of sexual disinterest, often perceived as rejection. Psychoanalytic theories can be understood as simplistic, for instance, when we speak of the “decline of the Oedipus complex” or the achievement of independ- ence from the parents. It is important to recall how complex and unique each biog- raphy and pattern of the inner world is. Even when emotional independence from the mother has been adequately achieved, so that a relationship can be forged to another woman, the love between mother and son can be so strong that the father becomes jealous of the son. In this case, the adolescent state of mind is charac- terized by a specific constellation of jealousy and competition, later activated to a greater or lesser extent: the father might be filled with a powerful sensation of competition and exclusion when his wife shows great warmth and praise for their successful son, especially when he has long since lacked such attention from her. Here is an illustration from the autobiography of the famous American philoso- pher Stanley Cavell: Arriving unexpectedly to visit my parents in Sacramento some months after I entered university in Berkeley, I said to my mother (she alone doing the