Page - 117 - in Psychoanalytic Perspectives on Puberty and Adolescence - The Inner Worlds of Teenagers and their Parents

Development of feeling 117 mother, who wanted to make her into a comic, vapid doll, began to pick out her own clothes; at pop concerts or Madonna films, her mother did not go with her, but instead waited for her outside, because Elfi wanted to sit next to her friends, not next to her mother. At home, Elfi moved out of her room, where her mother had been sleeping next to her on a mattress – and moved into her brother’s empty room (he had married). As a result, the mother suffered: instead of making some change herself, she remained in her daughter’s bedroom, while Elfi repainted her new room and decorated it with posters. If the parents manage to understand their adolescent children’s ambivalence and criticism as part of a developmental process – one requiring ample time – they will not take the children’s pronouncements and attacks so personally. When parents remain calmer, a descriptive remark will have more influence with ado- lescents than a judgmental one (see Flammer and Alsaker 2011, 109). They know that their child is wavering between the opposing poles of coming into their own and the security net. Parents are faced with the difficult task of taking their adoles- cent children seriously and understanding them. It is important for the parents to support one another, adopt a clear position and clearly describe the contradictions and mistakes in their own life. Then they can set an example for their children in dealing with their own shortcomings. Whether the separation from parents is more or less successful, the “inner father” or “inner mother” remains alive in each of us. The internalized image of the parents can be made conscious and then modified. The father lives, a life in me As long as I breathe, his memory lives as well (Grillparzer, Libussa 1847, translation McQuade)