Page - 141 - in Psychoanalytic Perspectives on Puberty and Adolescence - The Inner Worlds of Teenagers and their Parents

The search for the self – identity 141 feel like it. After a pizza, I got home at 3:45 – a big surprise for mama, since I told her I wouldn’t be sleeping at home. At Klaus’, my whole life up to then (i.e., the part of it since I’ve been going out with Max and so forth) seemed to be playing like a film in front of my eyes – I was completely absent. And then I noticed that I’m gradually becoming adult. That might sound stupid, but somehow it’s true. I’m beginning to develop my own personality, the one I always had inside but never showed. I was always dependent on everybody else, and I’m trying (actually succeeding!) to change that. Earlier I never wanted to know anybody not in our group, but now I really don’t care. In fact, it’s the opposite: I really want to get to know people from different circles and spend time with them, something I would have considered impossible before. For instance, I never wanted to go around with Eva, because I was afraid I’d miss out on something with my own group . . . now I’ve gotten to the point where I’m very happy to do something with her and also get to know new people. Sure, it’s somehow nice to belong to a certain group, but on the other hand that doesn’t mean you have to constantly spend time with them. Yesterday I had a new experience, and I’m “proud” of that. I feel so free and independent, a great feeling . . . I hope my good mood will last. (Lari, quoted in Erhard 1998, 111) This diary entry is from a new volume – evidence of a new phase in life, a turn- ing point in Lari’s life. In retrospect, Lari recognizes the limitations of belonging to a group and how afraid she was of losing her membership status – like a safe harbor – and becoming excluded. She is now strong enough to not always go out with the group, instead returning home alone. For her parents, this development is new and surprising. Lari’s self -confidence is now stabilized, and she no longer requires the protection the group afforded her – indeed, she is interested in getting to know new people. She is capable of spending a pleasant time with a girl who does not belong to the group. She is proud of this step towards self -determination and autonomy. This dissolution from the group does not occur in a straight line but in various steps, both forwards and backwards. As described in earlier chapters, the adoles- cent transfers Oedipal desires and conflicts of loyalty and rivalry from his parents to the peer group. A girl’s best female friend often becomes especially attractive to her boyfriend, and sometimes a girl will “renounce” a potential boyfriend because he is currently together with her best female friend. But the manner she plays out this “renunciation”, she makes it clear that she is in fact the more attractive of the two of them. The best compliment is to be “the most beautiful, attractive” girl in the class, at a dance, etc. – i.e., to be superior to everyone else, in order to calm fears of the opposite extreme of being unattractive and without a boyfriend. The “herd”, as Lari dubs her group, represents both sides of an equation: home and safety, but also limitation and conformity. At the same time, various members of the group serve as projective screens for aspects of the adolescent she normally does not admit, attributing these qualities or wishes to others, or watching them