Page - 142 - in Psychoanalytic Perspectives on Puberty and Adolescence - The Inner Worlds of Teenagers and their Parents

142 The search for the self – identity do the things for which she lacks the confidence. Discussing this with other group members is just as important as observing them. Lari reflects and writes with striking clarity about the painful process of dis- tancing herself from the group. Here is an entry from January 1: This week, nothing special happened. That would be hard, since I’m only allowed to go out on weekends. After my feeling of happiness on Sunday, there was – as could be expected – a relapse, although it was only a small one. I suddenly feel lonely and abandoned again, friendless. I learned some- thing again today: the time really must have come to become “more grown up”: it occurred to me that even though I have a lot of “friends”, almost none of them are truly friends. By that I mean that there are only a few (if any) who would stick to me in bad times as well as good times and who show this . . . for me, a friendship consist not only of somebody telling you he likes you. Right now, I’m reading a really impressive book by Erich Fromm: “The Art of Loving”. Let me quote something out of it that inspired me to think about my own situation: . . . “Everyone thinks they are in safety when they stay as close as possible to the ‘herd’ and does not diverge from them in thought, feeling and action. But in this attempt to be as close as possible to the others, the individual actually remains completely alone and has a deep feeling of insecurity, fear and guilt, just as always when we are incapable of mastering our inherent separation from others . . . ” This is all true, and it applies to me – or rather, did. Today it’s Saturday, and instead of being glad to finally be able to go out, I don’t want to see any of my “friends”, but stay at home instead. I know this all sounds like self -pity, and if I’m honest, I do feel a little sorry for myself, but I have reason enough. (Lari, quoted in Erhard 1998, 113) Several times, Lari speaks of new experiences connected with “becoming adult”. She talks of friendship, but describes it in terms of pledges from Anglo -Saxon wedding ceremonies – “in bad as in good times” – familiar from the movies. The question Lari poses (in reference to the Erich Fromm quote) is: to what extent does she require the group in order to find protection, and how much autonomy does she require in order to think and live independently? These important topics will accompany her for her entire life – and which come up for the first time dur- ing adolescence. In the group, the adolescent meets others who are in the same situation. The group is like a microcosm, with intense new relationships, jealousy, rivalry, admi- ration, competition, injuries and reconciliation, cooperation, caring and friend- ship. Loyalty to other members is important in order to define the group’s outer border. Collective undesired characteristics are often projected onto other groups. Competition then arises between groups. The limits of the law are sometimes tested collectively, particularly with male groups. “Tests of courage”, where legal