Page - 243 - in Psychoanalytic Perspectives on Puberty and Adolescence - The Inner Worlds of Teenagers and their Parents

Lost by the wayside – overstepping limits 243 Discussion To the extent that she can allow Vinzenz to extricate himself from their bond – now that she has found a safe place in analysis – the patient can also tend to her own needs in a caring way. Instead of reproaching her parents and life, criticizing and expecting catastrophe, she could reflect on what she wants. She pointed out that all her friends at the party talked about how much better Vinzenz was doing and how glad they were about this. She also said that he behaved quite normally with the guests. However, she complained that although now Vinzenz was doing better, nobody was praising her for his progress, whereas while he was doing badly, everyone thought this was due to their overly close relationship. She only felt recognized and appreciated by her analyst. A month after the party, she told me with surprise that she no longer needed to fight her impulse for calling Vinzenz up several times a day – since he now called her regularly. Vinzenz’s mother began to observe herself in her interactions with Vinzenz and Justin. She noticed that in subtle ways, she had tried to hinder their independ- ence and emotional development, even though she had ostensibly welcomed this development on the conscious level. Justin, who had earlier spent all his time in his room before the computer – she was afraid that he had become addicted to it – now wished to travel one week to Germany to visit four online chat friends, one of whose parents had invited him. But she began to find problems in his plan: were they respectable parents? Could he travel there alone? Although all four friends liked to play soccer, she was afraid that they would only sit in their room. She then suggested that Justin sleep in a hotel with her, and only spend the days with them. Justin then said: “Forget it, Mom. I know you don’t want me to go.” Through our discussion, it became clear that she envied Justin his courage in travelling alone to Germany. At his age, she had to travel to France to family friends, but had almost died of homesickness. Unconsciously, she wanted to pre- vent him from being able to do what she had not even dared to dream of. She observed a similar pattern of behavior in her interaction with Vinzenz. When his attendance at training became irregular one week, and his social worker consequently scheduled a conference with him, she tried to assert influence – calling up the central housing office and managing to obtain information about Vinzenz, even though this was prohibited. When he then came for dinner that weekend, she not only posed a barrage of questions as to whether he had gone to training that week, but would not believe his answers, asking “Really? Every day? What did you do there?” When Vinzenz told her he had taken up his handball training again (something she had earlier pushed him to do against his resistance), she now discouraged him, saying, “Isn’t that too strenuous?” But he said with conviction, “No, on the contrary. Then I’m more fit the next day!” It became clear how difficult it was for her to accept that her sons were becoming independent. Her feeling of emptiness here was palpable. Three months after his mother had started analysis, Vinzenz stopped taking his medication against “borderline disorder”: his therapist said that the diagnosis