Page - 255 - in Psychoanalytic Perspectives on Puberty and Adolescence - The Inner Worlds of Teenagers and their Parents

Lost by the wayside – overstepping limits 255 her father. Instead of facing the psychic pain of what it means to have a father who abused her and simultaneously threatened her with suicide, she becomes her father. She has identified with the father and treats the social worker as her father treated her, bringing the social worker into the role of the fearful, guilty child. Instead of being able to separate herself emotionally from her father, she remains intimately connected to him; she is he. This connection between the self and others is a surprising permutation suicidal adolescents turn to in order to not renounce their loved and hated object. In a loving and caring relationship to parents, the destructivity native to all of us is compensated for by love. If either the maternal function of lovingly hold- ing her baby (holding function) or the baby’s aggression looms too large, then integration with the idealized image of the mother and the self -image as good and bad becomes impossible. In Anne’s case, presumably the evil, cruel aspects of her father (we know little of her relationship to her mother) were not integrated into her personality and threaten her stability. Now on to an example of how a child found a robust manner of dealing with his mother’s permanent suicide threats. In his autobiography, John Cleese describes a situation when he cannot stand her constant complaints and her wish to die. He remembers on one occasion when he was listening to her as she methodically itemized all the reasons why she didn’t want to go on living, while he experienced his powerlessness to help. He remembers saying: “Mother, I have an idea.” She said: “Oh? What’s that?” And he continued: “I know a little man who lives in Fulham, and if you’re still feeling this way next week, I could have a word with him if you like – but only if you like – and he can come down to Weston and kill you.” There was silence and then his mother said: “Oh God, I’ve gone too far.” And then she cackled with laughter. “I don’t think I ever loved her as much as I did at that moment.” (Cleese 2014, 13ff ) Discussion What exactly is happening between the mother and the seven -year -old son? Undoubtedly, John perceived these thoughts of suicide as a massive aggression against him. He, her son, does not constitute a sufficient reason for his mother to remain alive. His murderous rage is camouflaged as an “offer of help” – finding a murderer who accomplishes what she wishes, thus almost fulfilling her wish. He twice emphasizes he will do this only if his mother wants it. After a long silence, the tension is dissolved in a laugh where mother and son presumably share the same tension and resolution. So, Anyway – in the full range of its connotations – is also the title of Cleese’s autobiography. Why could little John deal in this way with the fatal threat he was so often exposed to? Was it his robust nature? His resilience? John had a very good relationship to his sensitive but rather passive father, whom he very much admired. Cleese also