Page - 264 - in Psychoanalytic Perspectives on Puberty and Adolescence - The Inner Worlds of Teenagers and their Parents

264 Epilogue of separation when in the hospital (Stacey et al. 1970). Resilience does not mean toughness, but rather flexibility. In general, boys are less resilient and flexible than girls: even before birth, miscarriages are more common with boys than with girls, as well as the probability of birth defects. Male babies are generally fussier, with a greater incidence of dyslexia, autism, hyperactivity and delayed development. In adolescence, they are more likely to come into conflict with the law, and suicide rates are higher for boys than for girls (Kraemer 1999, 276). Attractive looks and above -average intelligence also are favorable conditions for resilience. People who enjoy good development in spite of difficult socio -economic or family circumstances, in spite of neglect and abuse by parents, often had the luck of having some trusted person within their extended family or perhaps a teacher. Experiencing some affectionate relationship during the first months of life is often enough to provide some measure of immunity against later suffering and unhap- piness (Kraemer 1999, 276). Irritation and contrariness, rebellion and resistance can function as protection. Fanny Kemble describes her cruel childhood, where her parents forced her at the age of four to don a dunce cap and stand in the street. She was meant to be humiliated and mocked, but she danced through the front door and encouraged passersby to admire her. “I never cried, I never sulked, I never resented, lamented or repented either my ill doings or their consequences, but accepted them, alike with a philosophical buoyancy of spirit which was the despair of my poor bewildered trainers” (Kemble 1879, quoted in Kraemer 1999, 274). Instead of drilling and demanding absolute obedience, parents should pro- vide affection and empathy, as well as a readiness to stand by their children during the mastering of small frustrations. The goal is helping the child to accept his own body and capabilities and develop his own independent opinion. Only a child who has felt understood can later understand other people.